Albert and Me
by raccoonqueen
Summary: Based on the show What would happen if Dilbert was allowed to keep the mixed-up alien baby? This story reveals the answer. Based on the episodes "The Pregnancy" and "The Delivery". Chapter 1 up and done.


AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is my first time writing a Dilbert fanfic. I liked the comic strip, but the show (which was based on the comic strip) was better. Two of my favorite episodes of the show are "The Pregnancy" and "The Delivery". You know what they're about--in the first one, Dilbert builds a small rocket. Ratbert accidentally launches it, and it goes off collecting alien, hillbilly, cow, robot, and engineer DNA, before returning to Dilbert and making him pregnant with a strange infant. In the second one, Dilbert appears on TV, gets involved in a custody battle, and runs away to have the baby, before Dogbert sends it to Krypton. In this story, however, I'll speculate what would happen if Dilbert was allowed to keep the baby. Enjoy the story--I hope you'll like it.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own the "Dilbert" comic strip and the show based on it, so there.

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Chapter 1

A young engineer was sitting at his computer desk in his office. He looked like any other engineer, but the difference is that he had a red-and-white striped upturned tie. The man's name was Dilbert. To him, this was a completely normal day. Or was it?

About several weeks ago, he built a small rocket that was made for collecting samples of any signs of life in space. It did more than just that--it went on to collect sources of hillbilly, cow, robot, and engineer DNA, before promptly returning to him...and impregnating him. Eventually, he became the butt of all jokes, and then he was involved in a custody battle between him and the baby's unexpected donors--two aliens, a prominent billionaire, a hillbilly couple, a cow (and the farmer who owned her), and 17 engineers. The prosecution side won, and Dilbert was forced to run away. He was about to send the baby off to the planet Krypton, but something else made him change his mind.

At first, the creature's biological parents had thought they had won custody of the infant because of Judge "Stone Cold" Steve Austin's ruling. But then, he only did it for publicity--he wasn't a real judge. The other judge (who was supposed to be presiding over the case) heard of the verdict and overturned it, saying that Dilbert could keep the baby. This made the winning side angry, but then, what was to be angry for? They gave up and left Dilbert alone. And the rocket that was supposed to send it to Krypton failed.

Dilbert continued to type on the computer, but his thoughts on the events over the past few weeks kept him distracted. Not only he was awarded custody of the child, but he also had to face the fact that he was going to raise it alone. Finally, when the day was done, he left the office and went home.

His car pulled up the driveway near his house in the suburbs. His mother, Dilmom, came out to greet him. In her arms was the baby that caused a whole lot of confusion in the media world. It had pink skin, with brown spots on it. On its head were what looked to him like teats of a cow's udder, except that they never squirted milk. Its arms were robot-like (with clamps for hands), had robotic ears with straight antenae, and its entire body was covered in a typical hillbilly-style blue overalls (with a small square patch and a pocket in the front that held two pens) and a office suit with an upturned red-and-black striped tie. Judging by the overalls it was born with, the baby was a boy. It was his son.

She placed the baby down on the ground and he toddled over to Dilbert, cooing in a tiny alien-like voice. Dilbert smiled, picked the baby up, and said, "Hi, Albert. Did you miss me?"

The baby, named Albert, crowed happily. This was the begining of a new life. A new life for Dilbert, his pals Dogbert and Ratbert, his mother, and his alien/hillbilly/cow/robot/engineer son.

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That's the end of Chapter 1. I'm sorry it has to be short, because I don't have much time. But don't fret, because Chapter 2 is coming real soon. Look forward to it, folks!


End file.
